Dear arrogant douche-monkey cellphone user,
I wish to apologize. It's rude of me, I know, but I've been eavesdropping on your conversations. Not because I want to, but because you're YELLING. Like behind me in line. Or in the library. Or in the middle of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It seems I can't avoid you and your crazy stories of last night's booze-filled antics. Tales seemingly private yet left hanging on a public wash-line for all to see. "Dude" and you must be really close. It's a shame he missed the party, because he may have remembered how you got home. Or where your underpants are. Or at least bought you a shot. Bummer.
Maybe you should wait until I'm sitting next to you at the movie theater to text the cute Betty you met last night. She's getting a pedicure and has sent you five texts in as many minutes. OMG, she's so bored. She wants to hook up with you later. Maybe you should text Dude and see if he's free. Betty's apartment has a pool, yo. And her roomies are hot. Text Dude again and see if he can score some brews. The ladies love it when you bring your own. Don't be concerned about me, I wasn't trying to watch the movie anyway. I don't know why it got nominated for an Oscar. Maybe I missed the plot or something.
Oh, hey. I almost forgot. That ringtone? "Baby Got Back"? It's so nice to hear when I'm in the middle of a romantic dinner with my husband. The one we've been looking forward to all week. I can't believe the nerve of the manager, asking you to turn off your ringer. Obviously, he has no idea how important you are! Or what superb taste you have in music. You can totally tell he has the theme from Titanic on his phone. What a dill-weed. You should not tip him. Or, even better, just leave him the coins in your pocket. Yah, that'll show him.
So, I just wanted to make sure we were all good about this etiquette thing. I wasn't sure if you quite understood when you were in the middle of ordering your half-caff-no-whip-light-water-mocha and you held up one finger to the cashier, answered your phone, and then got annoyed with her when she asked you (again) for payment. She totally interrupted you, so I can see why you were so rude. If she needed to talk to you so much, perhaps she should have just called you on your cell. Or texted you the total.
Talk to ya later,